Lord of Tha Ringes: Batel fur Riverndail
by VictorSage
Summary: Saruman attacks Rivendale, leaving Gandalf dead! Can Frodo muster the strength to take the One Ring to Gondor and the safety of the White City?
1. Chapter 1

Frodo Baggins was in Rivendale, enjoying their ample parking; when suddenly - Saruman!  
>'I am Saruman!' said Saruman 'And I will destroy Rivendale with my staff!'<br>'Noooo!' Said Frodo. 'Destroying things is bad so I will destroy you!' Frodo charged at Saruman with his swored, but Saruman flexed his sexy muscles and repelled Frodo with his sexy muscles.  
>'Now you die to DEATH!' said Saruman, but then Gandalf who was there.<br>'You Saruman go back to where you came to Isengard and take your staff with you' said Gandalf to Saruman whom he was blocking from the Frodo.  
>'Arggggg!' replied Saruman so his pain was expressed. 'Now I will run back to Isengard but my Orcs will kill Rivendale while I run back to Isengard' he said.<br>'Quickly!' said Gandalf to Frodo. 'Run away to Gondor before the Orcs kill you! I will hold them off with my sexy muscles!'  
>'No Gandalf! I won't let you dead!'<br>'You have to Frodo! It will long journey, but you must make it! Take this!' Gandalf gave Frodo a ring. 'Give it to the King of Gondor before the Dark Lord has all our base are belong to him!'

Later that day, Frodo was talking King of Gondor.  
>'I am King of Gondor!' said King of Gondor 'What's up Frodo!'<br>'Quickly ring or Dark Lord kill us all!'  
>'Voldemort?' replied King back to Frodo.<br>'No, the other one.' Frodo.  
>'Oh no! We must stop Emperor Huon from all our base are belong to him!'<br>King took ring and killed Dark Lord Emperor Huon.

'Yay!' said King. 'War for Middle Earth is victory! Now, celebration!'  
>But then, at celebration of victory for war, zombie invasion!<br>'Arrrrgggg!' said zombie to Frodo. Frodo killed the zombie with his swored but there were too many zombies so he ran from Gondor.

'Hello.' said Gandalf.  
>'Gandalf!' exclaimed Frodo. 'You survived Orc Rivendale!'<br>'Yes, but Rivendale died!' cried Gandalf.  
>'Noes!' replied Frodo to Gandalf. 'We need to make better with sandwich.' Then Rivendale was better because sandwich. Later that day, zombie invasion kills all the Middle Earth, so Gandalf and Frodo run away to Chronicles of Narnia.<p>

'Wow!' said Frodo. 'Narnia is like Middle Earth, but with more metaphors!'  
>'It's very preachy here' agreed Gandalf. 'Perhaps we could use the axiomatic differences between Tolkien and Lewis' literary styles to our advantage.'<br>'What do you mean?' asked Frodo.  
>'Well' began Gandalf. 'As Middle Earthicans, we are not bound by Lewis' use of Christian pathos and allusions. That means that we can consciously use them to our advantage! While the local Narnians treat Turkish Delights as if they were the very essence of satanic temptations, and lipstick as if it were all the worlds lusts; we are sane, well-rounded people. We could quickly corrupt the natives with the use of vaguely unchristian sundries.'<br>'Like Harry Potter DVDs!'  
>'Exactly.'<p>

Later that day, Frodo and Gandalf were co-emperors of a vast and evil Narnian empire. Luckily, fictional empires are rarely without fictional rebellions, and they were soon deposed and executed by Luke Skywalker and a ragtag team of Wookies, Ewoks and Smugglers.

Hundreds of years passed and the Narnian Republic achieved a level of technological achievement far in advance of our own. But, even as their towering palaces and monuments reached new heights, their souls sunk to new depths. Depraved and terrible rituals, echoes of their societies Rowling inspired origin, became more and more common. After a millennium of violence and bloodshed, the gods grew tired of their decadence and allowed their world to sink beneath the waves of the Atlantic.

Yet still, on the highest peaks of the highest mountains, hermits, the last survivors of the race of men, lived on. Setting aside their natural inclinations towards solitude, a few forged a new society; passing on the torch of civilisation to another generation. The gods were pleased by their empire, the seas slowly fell and the tale of Narnia became legend - dwindling through the ages until none remembered it but the wind, the dirt and stars.

To the North of this new world, there lived a Cimmerian Barbarian. His name was Conan.

To be continued?


	2. Chapter 2

In the Northern wastes of Cimmeria, wading through fields of corpses, a King rallied the survivors of the battle against Chaos for one final act of defiance. Around him, those few knights not dead or mad held tight around their liege, wary of traitors in the ranks of his tattered army. Scattered across the surrounding landscape, peasant levies and barbarian mercenaries made their way towards the growing rabbles standards.

'Sons of The Empire!' the King called out. 'Noble warriors of Hyperboria! I salute your steadfast courage! The Atlantean races lie in ruins, the farthest reaches of the Caledon and Yggdrasil burn; yet we still live! We still fight! We, the last men, fought an army of the Eldritchin and won! We, the last men, are the first to face these monsters and survive!'

'Now, the mad god Azathoth himself approaches! As we speak, he reaches blindly across the face of Pangaea; tearing Space and Time in twain as he searches! But he shall not find us scattered, fearful pests! He shall find us, united in hatred, 1000 majestic blades gleaming beneath a Hyperborian sun! He shall find us strong and he shall perish!'

'Conan! King Conan!'  
>The King turned towards the voice. Riding towards him on a haggard looking horse, Court Magician Merlin approached. 'Speak, Magus! Ride to me and say your message!'<br>The Wizard moved up besides his King before dismounting. 'The beast moves faster! I can see him; in the air, the clouds - as a blaze upon the cosmic fabric! He approaches to the South and will arrive within the hour!' King Conan stood in thought. Around him, the knights waited silent and solemn while the peasants and barbarians crowded close to hear the Kings decision.  
>'Men!' he said. 'Saddle the horses! If our fate is sealed, we shall face it bravely!'<p>

-

An immense, dark cloud rose over the horizon. A million weird gods danced, praising a shrieking monad held within. As the last descendants of Narnia approached, the Earth began to quake. The gods danced faster. The shrieking monad fell suddenly, landing a short way ahead of its foes. Behind it, a torrent of flame spread out across the landscape, raining down upon King Conan's army.  
>'Mages!' the King shouted. Nine hooded figures rode out to the front of the army, raised oak staffs tipped with mistletoe above their heads and began crying eerily to some esoteric power. The flames fell around them and their allies, leaving them unharmed. Ahead, where the monad fell, they saw a man. The man's hair fell unkempt, down to his legs. He was dressed in a regal outfit, studded with gold and jewels, yet every piece of cloth was died green; as opposed to the multi-coloured fashions of the Hyperborean Twilight. The Man was slowly approaching.<br>'Archers! Ready… Fire!' A hundred arrows shrieked through the air, falling about the Man and striking the ground all around him, yet none struck the beast.  
>'Cavalry! Ready… Charge!' A dozen rode out ahead of the army, split into two groups and charged towards the Man from his flanks. As they approached, a sword appeared in his hand as if from nowhere. Conan blinked his eyes; his knights lay dead and the Man continued towards them.<br>'Everyone! Halt!' The army came to a rest. Conan pushed his horse out front and rode towards the God.  
>'Azathoth! This is your last chance. Leave, go beyond the Firmament; back to the Outer Darkness or I swear by Crom I shall strike you down!' he shouted.<br>The God smiled at him. He continued to walk. King Conan drew his sword from its scabbard and readied it. The God's sword appeared once more in his hand. Conan raised his blade above his head and brought it down. It passed easily through the God yet left not a scar nor scratch. The god swung his blade, striking Conan's horse and leaving it dead. Conan leapt at his foe, stabbing through his heart, yet once more he left no sign of damage.

The storm and dancing gods began to descend, quickly accelerating and shrouding Conan, his army and Azathoth within. Conan stumbled blindly about, looking desperately for his enemy. He felt a terrible pain shoot up his left leg and fell to the ground. Through the clouds, he could see it. His tibia poked through his shin; blood gushed rapidly from the wound.  
>'You… Stand before a god…' he heard whispered. 'You threaten… I? I who… stand… at the centre of all time… and space…' He felt a sharp pain in his spine. He felt it crack. He fell backwards, his body landing bent strangely backwards. 'New stars without number… Burn in the Heavens… I am the shadow… That shall… Engulf them all… And you stand against… Me?' Both his arms were sliced from his torso, rollng across the ground besides him. 'I am the Lord of all Creation. None can defy me…'<p>

-

Conan sat, his body healed, on a chair; in the middle of a vast void. He could see himself as If surrounded by light, yet he could see no source. His surroundings were all black. Suddenly, the darkness ahead of him folded forwards, as if it were a door turning inwards. Through it, a dashing, handsome youth walked. He was dressed in strange clothes Conan had never seen the likes of before. His pants were made from a rough, blue fabric. He wore a collarless shirt, imprinted with the words 'Children of Bodom.' Judging by the artwork, Conan thought, Bodom must have been the name of a god. Perhaps the Youth was a priest?

'Who goes there?' Conan asked. 'Friend or foe?'  
>'Oh, I'm a friend' the Youth replied. 'A fan, in fact.'<br>'What is this place? Who are you?'  
>'This place isn't anywhere, really. I'm someone though. I'm more someone than you've ever met.'<br>'What? Speak clearly. I may be unarmed, but I'm more than a match for you.'  
>The extremely attractive youth laughed a hearty laugh. 'Well, you do look like you are, but I doubt it.' Conan reached out and grabbed hold of the Youth's hair.<br>'Tell me. Where am I.'  
>'Ok, ok. There's no need to be all snippy. You see, you're a fictional character. You were created by a man named Robert E. Howard. One day, I was writing a Lord of the Rings fanfic and, somehow, you ended up in it.'<br>'… Fictional character. You're clearly a madman. Please, show me out of this Hell. Whatever the other realms of the afterlife contain, it cannot be as bad as an eternity with you.'  
>'Hey!' the Youth said, wounded by the Cimmerian's factually incorrect insult. 'What's wrong with me!'<br>'Besides calling me a "fictional character," you have an annoyingly high-pitched voice and an unnerving grin.'  
>The Youth blushed attractively. 'Well fine then. I'll send you back. Because I'm so extremely kind and chivalrous, I'll even get rid of Azathoth for you.'<br>'Yes. Of course you-'  
>The void faded.<p>

-

Conan found himself back in Hyperboria, his Empire restored as if the Elder Gods never were. No one showed any signs of remembering those dark and terrible days. Such was his gratitude towards the Youth, he later named Bodom the patron god of his reign. But first, he had to lied down for a while. He had a headache.


	3. Chapter 3

As all men die, so too did Conan. Eventually, his adventures were forgotten, and the world grew into something stranger…

-

Neo was working on his computer when Agent Smith knocked on door.  
>'Hello said Neo' said Neo. 'How help you?'<br>'How help me when you haz no mouth?' replied Agent Smith and then Neo had no mouth gone.  
>'Suck on this, mofo!' said Morpheus and then he kicked Agent Smith in the balls. 'Quickly Neo, get to the blackmobile!'<p>

When Neo and Morpheus got to the blackmobile, they drove to the blackcave.  
>'This is the blackcave' said Morpheus. 'We are preparing in secret from the impending zombie invasion. The machines don't think zombies are going to invade so they try to stop us but we think zombies are going to invade so we help us by being us. Because being yourself is the best thing you can do for yourself.'<br>Neo made some Raman noodles.  
>'Did you make me any noodles?' asked Morpheus.<br>'No' replied Neo. 'I did not make you any noodles.'  
>'Ok. I'll go make some noodles for myself then.'<br>Morpheus went to the cupboard and got some noodles out. Then he put the noodles in a bowel. Then he put water on the noodles. Then he microwaved the noodles with the water in them. Then he went back to the room where Neo was.  
>'Hello Neo noodles' he said. But Neo was dead and a zombie was eating him. I better call for black up, Morpheus thought. Then Mace Windu was there. I don't mean to break up the flow of the plot or anything, but I forgot to mention; Morpheus put a flavour satchel in the noodles. Mace Windu lightsabered the zombies. Then Mace Windu and Morpheus ate noodles together.<p>

-

Swinging over New York's towers,  
>Using all his spider-powers;<br>He rescues peeps from evil men,  
>And saves us all from death again.<p>

He's Spiderman, Spiderman,  
>He never, ever brought me LAN;<br>He's Spiderman, Spiderman,  
>In a spandex suit he does not tan.<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

Far beneath the Antarctic seas, hidden deep beneath the Earth's crust, dark things stirred. An ancient evil was waking from its slumber, was rising from the mantle – was coming towards the surface, towards the ken of men, towards Armageddon…

-

'Ok Tony; move gently now. Just a little… There ya go.'  
>Richard Reed motioned for Tony Stark to deactivate his blaster. What exactly a "deactivate blaster" motion is, I'm not entirely sure- but as this is written instead of acted or drawn; I don't really have to know. Whatever it looks like, Tony had just finished clearing a pinpoint hole through the walls of some ancient ruins.<br>'This is really fascinating Tony. A whole underwater metropolis, buried beneath the Antarctic sea for billions of years.' Tony already knew this, having learnt it at some point before he started excavating the site, but as you, the reader, had only received vague hints; I thought I'd put a line in making it completely obvious.  
>Reed pulled a packet of nanobots from his pocket and opened them up against the hole. 'These things'll take a video of whatever's on the other side. That way, we can know what's in there without tearing down this wall.' Again, Tony knew all of this. Stay with me though. Some of my readers aren't too bright. This is a fanfic, after all.<br>Reed and Tony moved back to their base camp to watch the video uplink from the nanobots.  
>'My god!' said Reed. 'Tony! Get a look at this!'<br>'Holy-! What is that thing!'

In most pieces of fiction, a question like that would take several pages to receive an acceptable answer. But this is fanfic. Trollfic, in fact. Everybody acts completely out of character, physics takes a day off and every plot twist is resolved within seconds. It is in that spirit that Dr. Doom, who happened to be there at the time, told them that it was the trapped spirit of Gandalf who, if you remember correctly, has been evil since the first chapter.

'An ancient evil!' Doom said. "An ancient evil, locked away in that place by Merlin and Conan. The stars are shifting, the Moon grows dark and this age is nearly past. Soon, Gandalf the Grey shall rise from his astral slumber and wreck a terrible vengeance upon the descendants of the King and Wizard! The Earth and Heavens will tremble, stars shall fall from the firmament and the towers of London and Washington shall fall under the eldritch strain! There is no escape! It has been written, it shall be so! The descendants of Narnia shall join their ancestors beneath the waves!'  
>'Well if we can't save the world, we can sure as hell avenge it.' Replied Tony, quoting a movie preview he saw earlier that day.<p>

-

The seas burned, the Earth quaked and the firmament trembled as the Dreamer in the Catacombs of Antarctica rose from his ancient slumber. Over the Narnian ruins, trembling against the pitiless depravity that rose towards them, the Avengers stood assembled; ready to struggle against the unfathomable monstrosity.  
>'Mortal worm-caste!' they heard the beast whisper in their ears. 'Lo! Behold! I am Gandalf the Grey! I was ancient before Middle Earth fell; I locked horns with beasts of flame and shadow before your tumorous ancestors rose from the primordial ooze! Kneel before me, for I am the All-Father of your world!'<br>'We would sooner face damnation a thousand times before we praise such a depraved and Eldritch monstrositiy! Back with thee! By Odins beard, back with thee!' yelled Thor.  
>'Then you shall be the first of this dimension to perish!'<br>The beasts terrible limbs rose from the waters, grabbing at the assembled heroes. Captain America, who had been hanging from Thor's rippling and sexy muscles, leapt, shield in hand, towards the beast. His shield sliced cleanly through a faggot of tendrils, yet a million rose around him and dragged him down into the antediluvian ruins.  
>'Steve!' Iron Man yelled as he rushed at the monster.<br>Iron Man fired a volley of lasers into Gandalf's Gullet, yet he continued to rise towards the Avengers. Suddenly, a silver blur flashed across his the battlefield. Gandalf groaned in pain, the seas swirled beneath him and he sunk back a hairs-breadth into the catacombs.  
>'Elder God! I give you one chance! Back to the Primordial Pits or I will finish you!' the Silver figure said.<br>'Ah, Norrin Radd, you still live? After all these millennia?' Gandalf replied.  
>'Back! I have defeated you a thousand times before and I shall defeat you again!'<br>'The cosmic flow has ebbed and you grow weak! The stars have aligned in the morbid veve of High-Priest Cthulu and soon the Earth shall fall. The deluge shall not be held back any longer. This dimension is lost; it shall burn beneath the hand of the Majestic 12!'  
>The Surfer launched his celestial board towards Gandalf. The beast erupted in flames. He lashed out towards the surfer, knocking him down into the maelstrom below. He moved to follow, but, suddenly, felt his great skull puncture beneath the war hammer of Thor.<br>'Accursed Asgardian!' the beast cried as it turned towards him. He reached for the god. Thor moved to flee, yet the creature pulled him down, into the sea; into the Narnian ruins.

Gandalf turned to finish the Surfer. He had already recovered and floated far above the water - ready to fight. Gandalf launched his immense frame across the battlefield, covering the Surfer within his vast form. The too struggled a moment, then; the Grey Wizard stopped moving. A chilling, eldritch laugh echoed across the seas and ruin, across the Narnian ruins – across the planet. Then, his body burst and the Surfer rose triumphantly from the carcass.

-

The day was won, the vict'ry great,  
>Yet Thor and Steve lie b'yond deaths gate.<p>

-

To be continued? Yes.


End file.
